Weekly Highlight - Resolving Financial Conflict
73% of married couples report that finances are a consistent source of tension in their relationship.
Today I’m sharing where most couples go wrong, and how to fix it.
Why do people fight about money?
Money fights in marriage almost always begin with heteronomy.
In case you aren’t familiar with the term, heteronomy is “the feeling of being controlled by external forces, rather than your own decisions.”
Let’s look at how this relates to marriage and money.
Tim and Molly - A Case Study
Tim has been facing pressure at work. Rumor has it a round of layoffs is coming, and Tim’s job is on the line.
Because Tim wants to prepare his family for a period of unemployment, he starts paying attention to their spending. After reviewing the family credit card statement, Tim realizes that the family spending is significantly more money than he realized.
Tim approaches his wife Molly with his concerns, suggesting that she “tighten up the budget.” Molly appears to brush Tim off.
Frustrated with Molly’s response, Tim confronts Molly again. This time he is more forceful and argumentative. Molly feels that Tim is blaming her for their situation, so she pushes back.
Tom decides the best way to reduce their spending is by regulating Molly’s behavior. He starts questioning her about purchases and scheduling monthly “budget meetings.” Despite Tim’s efforts, the spending trend continues.
Before they know it, Molly and Tim find themselves locked in a cycle of financial arguments. They dance in circles, blaming each other for their difficulties and never actually making progress.
Where Things Went Wrong
In the situation above, Molly feels blamed for the family financial situation. She also feels a sense of pressure from Tim that it is her responsibility to fix it.
This sense of heteronomy - being controlled by Tim - might cause Molly to react in ways that are detrimental to the family finances.
Let’s take a look at three of the most common reactions that Molly might take in response to Tim’s pressure.
Common Reactions to Feeling Controlled
Reaction #1: Emotional Distancing
Molly is frustrated with Tim’s overt attempts to control her decisions and behavior. She reports feeling “stifled” and “trapped” in their relationship.
This feeling of being trapped leads to a buildup of resentment towards Tim. With a diminishing sense of emotional connection to Tim, Molly starts to avoid other forms of intimacy in their relationship.
Reaction #2: Behavioral Resistance
Molly is fed up with Tim’s treatment of her. Feeling hurt, she decides to get back at Tim by doing the exact opposite of what he asks.
This could look like blatantly ignoring his advice, hiding new purchases, or justifying her reckless financial behavior.
Reaction #3: Compliance
Tim’s controlling behavior hurts Molly’s sense of confidence when making financial decisions. She wants to avoid open conflict, so she decides to go along with whatever Tim suggests.
Over time, Molly starts to feel “stupid” for asking questions about money. She lets Tim assume full control of the family finances as a result.
A Better Solution
Nobody likes feeling policed by their partner, especially when it comes to money.
If you find yourself caught in a parent-child money dynamic like Tim and Molly, here are a few suggestions to help you out.
1) Reestablish Autonomy
Trust your partner to make their own financial choices. If you can’t fully trust them yet, then start small and build from there.
Starting small can be as simple as giving each spouse $50 of “fun money” each month - cash they can spend with no consequences, and no questions asked.
2) Communicate Proactively
Money disagreements are more prone to happen late at night or in times of stress. Don’t talk about money when the emotions are running high!
Instead, ask to schedule some time when you can both discuss together. Choose a day when you’re more relaxed, and can give your spouse your full attention.
Then focus on listening rather than dishing out advice.
3) Ask for Help
It can be really difficult to handle these situations alone. Having a third party to facilitate the discussion will get you a lot further, a lot faster.
If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship and aren’t sure how to move forward, reach out to me. I’d be happy to help you sort things out.
A Personal Note
I wrote this newsletter because I used to be like Tim.
I was the spending police of our home, and it was hurting my marriage.
It took some tough conversations with my wife to realize that I needed to change. For someone who is hard-wired to track the numbers, this was difficult for me to do. But over time, I learned how to stop being so controlling.
Once I learned how to let go, my wife and I found the financial unity we were looking for. A few years have passed now, and things are awesome in our marriage!
My wife is an absolute rockstar. When I gave her a chance to assume greater financial involvement in our family, she absolutely crushed it. Now she’s the one who keeps me in check!
Last year, my wife started her own business as a violin teacher. From time to time, she asks me for advice on her business finances. I am so grateful that she trusts me to help her. And I trust her completely with our family’s money.
Level Up Your Finances
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